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How to let go of your ex without guilt

How to let go of your ex without guilt. PHOTO| POOL

What you need to know:

  • All too often, many women return and get stuck in bad relationships out of sympathy, pity and guilt
  • You need to have a fresh policy of communicating with your ex

Naomi Auma had thought about quitting her relationship for one month. She was dissatisfied. She felt stuck in a relationship that had no future. “I had dated Joe, a former Member of the County Assembly (MCA) for eighteen months.

Out of these, he had been jobless for nearly twelve months and didn’t seem bothered. “He was too proud and lazy to look for another job. I was forced to pay his rent twice,” says Naomi, who is an anesthetist in Nakuru County.

Joe claimed the jobs available were below his class and that she was shaming him. “All he did was laze around waiting for a miracle that would resuscitate his political career,” says Naomi who is 33. 

In May 2018, she broke up with Joe. Naomi recalls that after unsuccessfully begging her not to leave, Joe spent the rest of the afternoon spamming her with messages. “He sent in multiple texts saying I was leaving him because he no longer had the money and influence he enjoyed as an MCA.”

When no more calls or texts came in from Joe, Naomi thought that he had given up on her. “I thought he had figured it out,” she says. Unknown to her, Joe had gone out with his friends on a drinking spree. On their way back home, they had been involved in a road accident along the Nakuru–Nyahururu highway. Naomi was flooded with feelings of guilt when she learned about the accident.

When she visited him at the hospital, Naomi promised that she would never leave him again. “His legs were wrapped up in plaster. He kept begging me not to leave him,” she says. It is now two years since they got back together. Things have not improved. In fact, they have only gotten worse. Joe has never found a real job. Violence has become part of their relationship. Whenever she tries to leave, she is accosted with beatings and threats that Joe will harm himself or them both. “He once cut off the gas tube and threatened to light the house,” says Naomi.

Pity and guilt

All too often, many women like Naomi return and get stuck in bad relationships out of sympathy, pity and guilt. There are women who start new relationships but still see their exes on the side out of pity. There are others who are stuck in bad relationships and marriages out of fear of what their partners might do, for instance, where a partner threatens to commit suicide if you leave.

But these are just sympathy cards. Once you decide to leave a relationship, often the other person will respond by making attempts at drawing you back into the relationship. This could be through phone calls, text messages, online chats, or even delegations. Efforts to win you back can be accelerated in an event where your ex is involved in something that draws out your sympathy. This might include a personal loss such as death of a close relative, an accident or even sudden ailment.

Be very clear

The sympathy card is often played when an ex suspects that you’re not ready to break up or committed to carry through with the break up. Own your decision. Dr. Robert Taibbi, the author of Doing Couple Therapy says that you must be proactive and considerate in your response. “You need to have a fresh policy of communicating with him. For example, you may say no to text messages or decide that if he calls, you’ll only pick up during the day,” he says. “But don’t be insensitive. Be aware of the injury your partner will sustain once you leave.”

The narcissist who won’t let you go

If you were dating a narcissist, chances that he may try to manipulate you back. Dr. Chris Hart, a psychologist and the author of Single & Searching, says that relationships that involve narcissists are some of the most difficult to walk away from. This is because while in an ordinary relationship you’d break up, adjust and move on, narcissists don’t get over it. After deciding that leaving is your best option, you must end the relationship without remorse or second thoughts. “Since a narcissist has no empathy, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain of your broken relationship!” says Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide. In most cases, the after-math of your break up will be characterised with unwanted contacts and manipulations. “They will try to contact you not because they really want you, but because you’ve cut off their narcissistic supply and they want it back! Block their numbers or even negotiators. Have their email messages go directly to your junk folder,” says Stephanie Sarkis, the author Making the Grade with ADD.

Feelings of guilt

Guilt is often inevitable especially if your ex or yourself lays blame on you. But Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, the author of Think Forward to Thrive says that there is no shame in quitting a relationship that has zero or very little benefits to you. “Leaving might be painful, but staying should not be substituted with your self-respect, dignity, physical, emotional and mental well-being,” she says.

Source: Nation Kenya

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Lifestyle

Odartey Lamptey: I will do whatever it takes to evict my ex-wife

Odartey Lamptey: I will do whatever it takes to evict my ex-wife
Odartey Lamptey: I will do whatever it takes to evict my ex-wife

Former Ghanaian youth star, Nii Odartey Lamptey says he will do whatever it takes to evict his ex-wife from his seven-bedroom house at East Legon following the dismissal of her latest appeal today in Accra.

Odartey’s ex-wife, Gloria Appiah wanted the Court of Appeal in Accra to grant her ownership of the ex-Ghana international’s seven-bedroom house as compensation after their much-publicised split in 2013.

Speaking with Kasapa FM, shortly after the appeal was dismissed, Odartey Lamptey said the Court has directed Madam Appiah to move from the house immediately.

The former Aston Villa star said he was grateful to God for enabling him to endure the eight-year legal tussle.

“We will do whatever now to move her from the house, as soon as possible,” Odartey Lamptey said.

Background

The relationship between Odartey and Gloria hit the rocks in 2013 after DNA results revealed that he was not the biological father of his three children after 20 years of marriage.

Lamptey insisted that he never asked his estranged wife to sleep with other men to get pregnant for him after allegations that he was impotent.

He now has biological children with his partner, actress Ruweida Yakubu.Lamptey owns the Golden Lions Soccer Academy and Glow Lamp International School.

Source:Graphiconline.com

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Lifestyle

Stop sending ‘fare’ to her; a lady accepting money sells herself-Expert

Happy couple
  • A man worth his salt will ask a woman out on a date and not send her fare. The woman accepting fare to show up for a date sells herself short.
  • What happened to a woman making the decision to invest her time and other resources for a date? What is this weird trend about men sending ‘transport’ to women? When did our men lose the skill of wooing a woman to the level of bedazzlement? Did the lyrics run out?

What happened to be a well-informed, humorous conversationalist such that a woman would love your company and show up – by her own means – for a date with you? Why would I accept a man to pay the cab, or bus for me when I can pay for it? Doesn’t it take away my power of decision when I ask a man to send me fare for showing up at our date? What is going on, good people? 

In my time – I see you roll your eyes and call me a dinosaur – we saved up and met on an equal footing. Be it that first date ever after high school when I borrowed our neighbour’s lipstick to sneak in for an ice cream date with my fellow teenage crush, to our first-ever date with Hubby as a career woman, I paid for my fare at the least. He footed the first bill, but on our second date, I paid for our drinks. 

We have a problem. First of all, today’s man no longer feeds his brain. Gone are the days when we exchanged books, read great minds, discussed themes and plots and visited mysterious places through the pages of a book.

Today’s man is this shallow-minded keyboard warrior consuming hate-filled posts and spewing the same right back. He has nothing tangible in the form of brain matter to offer a woman. So what does he do? He buys her affections with a measly mobile money loan. A man worth his salt will ask a woman out on a date and not send her fare. He expects that she will be interested enough to meet him. The woman accepting fare to show up for a date sells herself short. How does she not see this as an insult to her person? 

Monthly allowance? 

Never give a woman your ATM card. It’s a sexist statement, I know. But if money is all that you show a woman, then that is all that she will value you for. When the money runs out, do not be stunned that she will also pack and go.

I was shocked to learn that there are wives who receive a monthly allowance from their husbands. I complained to our couple mentor, that my husband does not give me a special allowance. Never mind that we have a family budget that includes our allowances to do as we deem. 

“A woman feels good to receive some money from her husband, even when she has her own.”

This statement from our friends softened Hubby’s heart and he gave me his ATM card and, of course the PIN. I do not know what tender he had walked into as he had managed to load the debit card with some substantial cash. By coincidence, it is at this time that I realised how ancient and threadbare our curtains had become. I replaced them and had the curtain rods redesigned. Our kids needed a wardrobe upgrade, Hubby too, and since Toi Market does not accept card payments, I went to the shopping malls.

Our mattresses needed the waterproof covers I had seen advertised, and I got that sorted. Our sofas were an eyesore. Hubby took the ATM card back before I could get the seats sorted. This got me extremely upset, and I wondered then of what purpose was a husband when he could not let me have his ATM card without grudging about it. His worth seemed to have been temporarily tied to that money card.

The minute he withdrew it, I was forced to once again use my brain and hands for an honest day’s work. A wise thing he did, too, seeing as Covid-19 came along and ‘shown us things’ as we Kenyans say when we can’t find a fitting description of a terrible experience. We are changing the seats even without his ATM card. Gentlemen, stop sending fare. If she sees your worth, she will show up, even if you are in Lodwar.

Source:Karimi Gatimi of Nation Kenya

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Lifestyle

Bride leaves wedding to write exams in her wedding gown

A video of a Nigerian woman has gone viral after she stormed her school’s examination hall to sit for her exams on her wedding day.

The bride who is a student of the University of Abuja caused a massive spectacle on campus after arriving in her white ball gown, in the company of her husband.

A video, shared online, captures the moment the student took her seat while her colleagues simply stared in dismay.

In another video, the lady and her groom were seen walking out of the examination hall, which attracted lots of students acting as paparazzi.A lady in the background was heard asking “God when?”

Source:adomonline

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